Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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