I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
