one word: firstdatebathroomanal
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
