1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
