nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
