Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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