just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
