I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
