Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
