hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
