Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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