Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
