my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
