my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize