are you so shy because you have an std?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
