i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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