my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
