just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
