Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
