At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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