I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
