I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize