I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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