He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
