my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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