best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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