I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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