The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
