The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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