THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
