i just had sex bonerless
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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