Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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