You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
