I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
