Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
