Please, let me fuck your mom
i was born a porn star she said
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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