i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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