you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
