Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
