As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
