i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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