Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
