forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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