you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
