dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
