I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
