having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize