i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
No subtext here. People are naked.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
