my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
