New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
