I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
