Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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