I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
