My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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