Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
