dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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