How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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