i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
